With my first novel, Sleep Warrior, I am on the 9th rewrite. I wrote the first draft a year ago to get it ready for the annual conference of the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators. I got two critiques, and both thought that the story worked but told me many ways to make it better. Next, I started a process of peer review, asking various middle-school teachers, parents, and students to read it. It started getting better over the past year during each rewrite.
Last month, I entered the Screencraft Competition for Cinematic Books and paid extra for feedback. I won’t know until next month if I’m close to the “best” goal and a finalist, but the feedback was positive and moved me up to 3rd place in the Red List on Coverfly.
I also entered my 2nd novel, Murder
at the Magic Kingdom, and it didn’t fare so well with the same reader. It
didn’t “work,” and I’ve spent the past month making it better. I had to change
my "kick-ass" girl detective from entering middle school to high school and the age category to young adult due to the violence from bullying, and of
course, the whole “murder” thing might not be appropriate. It is odd because, during
one of the breakout sessions at the SCBWI conference, one of the presenters
said she’d like to see a murder mystery in middle-grade fiction, but I’m not
sure everyone is ready for that, and the goal is to reach the widest audience and
avoid getting blocked by the gatekeepers. But doing this rewrite up to YA let me add a romance for my main character, which was delightful to
write. Ahh...first love. I hope that Murder at the Magic Kingdom is better, and I’m looking for
some peer review if you’re interested in helping me make it the best.
https://sandijerome.com/free/
Here is the coverage (feedback) I received for Sleep Warrior
In addition, Aya’s interest in technology provides an added STEM focus that the publishing and film industries greatly favor at this time. You might contemplate whether a feature film or series adaptation would better serve your vision for the story, as either option could certainly work. Because Aya’s middle school age, you might also consider live-action over animation, as that format may appeal more strongly to the intended “tween” demographic for a story such as this.
The characters are compelling, relatable and charming. They’re complex and interesting: Aya’s conflicting feelings about her Cherokee roots, for example, Andrea depicted as a fiery, multitasking super mom, Adam as the vegan “peacemaker” of the family, or “salty, crusty, and fearless” (page 39) Grandma Enola. These are appealing characters, but you cleverly keep them grounded in relationship. An audience or reader feels their connection deeply, which raises the stakes of the story. Aya cleaning her feet on her pajamas and kicking them into a pile (page 3), for example, her desire to fit in, or her disgust at witnessing affection between her parents (page 5) are character details that will make her deeply relatable to her audience.
The dialogue works well, featuring a naturalistic tone that serves to bring the character voices to life on the page. The relationships and family rituals are communicated particularly effectively: in lines like, “By Grabthar’s Hammer, you shall be avenged!” (page 8), Adam’s affectionate “Dynamite” nickname for Aya and “Firecracker” for Andrea, and Alec and Adam’s “Grrrrr” ritual on seeing the Bear Zoo (page 32). Dialogue like this emphasizes the relationships and traditions of Aya’s family, giving a visceral sense of their history and deep connection. This provides a strong background for the narrative and will serve to deepen an audience’s investment in the characters.
The voice of the novel and Aya’s voice are one-in-the same, and her personality comes through well in the narration. The action is clearly communicated, but if you’re interested in a cinematic adaptation, I would recommend enhancing the visual descriptions of the narrative to ensure the cinematic potential for the story comes through on the page. You might, for example, give a more detailed visual description of the setting, using natural imagery to evoke a stronger atmospheric tone and communicate more about the stylistic approach to an on-screen adaptation.
The story and structure are effective here. You initially introduce an intriguing mystery with Aya’s waking up wet, then set that aside to introduce the world and central characters with Megan’s taunting of Alec and Aya’s revenge plot. The narrative flows seamlessly between the central plot and a deeper glimpse at Aya’s internal concerns and conflicts. The story’s arc is complete, and each plot beat flows organically, one to the next. The choice to shift perspective, on occasion, to Nightwind, is particularly cinematic. It builds tension and effectively communicates the dramatic potential.
Overall, this narrative would translate well to the screen, and I believe there’s a place in the current marketplace for your story.”
Here is the link in case you want to read and comment. I'm looking for a publisher and/or agent.
https://sandijerome.com/free/SleepWarrior%20Sandra_JeromeRWPDF.pdf
How about my IBM job? We spent the first day making it work. It was hard not to stop and do things better, but he was right because I slept fine that night because we had a working routine. The next day was actually fun - making it better. The program was for Saab, and years later that was our first dealership where we installed our DMS DealerStar. It all came full circle for me and that dealership is still using the software we wrote, even after Saab is gone. After we sold DealerStar, I retired, but I still use that goal in my writing of “make it work, make it better, and then make it the best.”
Years later, I was called to another mothership, Microsoft, but that story is for another blog, I did dress much more comfortably.
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